Fandom: Celebrity RPS
Summary: Harry's philosophical about the fact that there's all kinds of fan-porn on the internet about Karl but none about him. After all, he was barely in the movies, right? But then one day a story about Harry pops up, and then another one, and then people start getting inspired....
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone you recognize. I know nothing about their social lives or sexual activities, more's the pity. This is fiction, period. It is done as a labor of love and I make no money from it.
Note: This is another one from the memething I did way back when, based on a request from prettypattisue.
Harry maneuvered in through Karl's back door with his laptop case banging against his hip from its strap over his shoulder and a couple six-packs of beer in his arms with a bag of potato chips perched on top. He strode through the kitchen to the dining room where he and Karl had played head-to-head Doom Three every Sunday for the last eight weeks.
"Hey, Karl, you there?" he called.
Karl, who'd been staring intently at his own computer, jumped at the sound of Harry's voice and scrambled for the mouse.
"Hey, hey, hey!" Harry dumped his load down on the table and scooted over around Karl's side of the table to peer at his monitor. "Let me see, what are you lookin' at? The only thing that makes someone startle like that is porn!"
Karl clicked frantically and then cursed, just before Harry grabbed his mousing wrist.
"Hah! Let's see...!" Harry got a good look at what Karl'd been staring at so intently... and blinked at the solid screen full of text. He was about to thwap his mate upside the head for being a nervous nelly when he caught sight of Karl's name and took a closer look.
Several instances of Karl's name. And--
"Orlando?! What the hell?" He backed up to the top of the screen and read, leaning heavily on Karl's hand which was trying really hard to move the mouse somewhere Harry was pretty sure he didn't want it to go, at least not yet.
"Damn, Karl, this is some potent porn! I mean, for something with no pictures, you know? Did you write this? I didn't know you had a hard-on for the Elf kid. A little young for you, dontcha think?"
"Me?!" Karl didn't quite squeak, having a deep and manly sort of voice, but the thought was pretty clearly there. "Fuck, no! I just...." Karl trailed off, sounding a tiny bit guilty.
Harry looked down at him and enjoyed the blush pinking his mate's cheeks. It was particularly funny on Karl, seeing as how he was such a masculine, manly-man that he'd even made a bleached-blond Cupid character look like he rode with a biker gang on weekends. Seeing him blushing like a girl had Harry grinning. "You just what? Who wrote it if you didn't?"
"I don't know. I mean, someone named RohanLady posted it, I don't know--"
"Miranda?! Fuck, I didn't know she had it in her!" Harry was already planning what he was going to say to tease Mirry about this.
"NO! I mean, I guess it could be but I doubt it."
"How'd you find it, then?"
"I, umm...." Karl blushed harder. "I mean, everyone.... All right, I Googled myself! Just to see, you know, what was there."
Harry laughed. "Hey, no problem. Like you said, everyone does it. So you did a vanity search and found someone'd written a smutty story about you and the Elf kid. That's a hoot."
"Well, not directly. I mean-- Aww, fuck." Karl jerked his wrist out from under Harry's hand and clicked a couple of buttons.
Harry watched and saw a table come up on the screen, a listing of story titles, with authors, ratings -- whoa, lots of good stuff! -- and characters. Karl was apparently in all of 'em. "Hey, way to go, Karl! You sexy thing, you!"
Karl, who seemed to have calmed down a bit from his bout of embarassment, smirked up at him and did some more clicking. "That's nothing -- check this out."
Harry looked at the new screen and saw a list of names, each with a number after it. "Bloody hell! The Elf kid's popular! Not that that's a shock or anything but still, that's a lot of verbage."
"No kidding," Karl agreed with a laugh. "And this is only one archive. There are more. I think Orlando, Viggo and Bean between them represent like three-quarters of the X-rated stories out there, together and in various combinations."
"Well, you're not doing too badly yourself," Harry commented with a teasing thump to Karl's shoulder. "Seem to have a few fans. The Hobbits aren't doing too badly, either. And Dave's got some, and... Ian?! That old goat, good for him! And Hugo and...." Harry trailed off, suddenly noticing that the name right above Hugo's wasn't what he'd sort of unconsciously expected it to be. "Huh. Well, not a surprise, really. I guess my forty seconds of screen time didn't make much of an impact."
"I guess." Karl's voice was low and he'd ducked his head down as though studying the keyboard. "You did a great job but it's not like you had a lot of dialogue or anything," he said in a sort-of-joking tone.
"Nope," Harry agreed. "Not that kind of role. Fun but not the stuff stars are made of." He swaggered back around to the other side of the table, distributed the beer and chips and started setting up his computer.
He and Karl kicked butt on each other for the next few hours, ordered a pizza and kept going. It was great, always was, but Karl got more than his fair share of kills. Harry didn't want to admit that he'd been thinking about all those stories more than he'd expected to. There was no reason to be all indignant or anything, or to have his widdle feelings hurt like some big girl's blouse. He really hadn't had much screen time in Rings and he wasn't known for anything else outside the southern hemisphere. He hadn't even worked on Hercules or Xena like every other person associated with New Zealand film and television. There was no reason at all for all the net fans to even know who he was, much less write porn about him. None whatsoever. And Harry didn't care one way or the other.
"Hey, Karl! Safe to come in?!" Harry thumped his way across Karl's kitchen and made sure to stomp his feet extra loud. "If you're buried in porn again I can go drive around the block a few times!"
It'd been a week since Harry'd discovered Karl reading porny stories about himself and he just had to take the piss for a while. He'd probably get great teasing material out of this one for months and he had no intention of passing up the opportunity.
"Get your arse in here!" called Karl. "Come see what I found!"
Harry set down his laptop case and this week's munchies -- cheese doodles to go with the beer this time -- and went to peer over Karl's shoulder. "Whatcha got? Three-way with you, Billy an' Lawrence?"
Karl choked on a laugh and just shook his head. "Nope. Check it out."
Harry skimmed the first paragraph and then stood up a little straigher. "Hey, go me!" He read a bit further and said, "Whoa, cool truck! I always wanted one like that. Wrong year, but hey, I wouldn't refuse delivery."
"Wrong year?" Karl sounded surprised, then rolled his eyes. "Well, at least you're not being too picky. If you don't want to read it then--"
"Hey, hey, hand away from the mouse!" Harry swatted at Karl's arm and pulled over a chair. "You started me off, now I gotta finish. I don't even know who I'm doing yet."
Karl stood up and headed for the kitchen. "I've got some ribs marinating -- I'm gonna go put them in the oven while you indulge your sexual vanity. If you make a mess, clean it up before I come back, okay?"
"Get outta here!" Harry swatted Karl on the arse as he slipped by, a theatrically forbidding scowl on his face, but his eyes were darting back and forth across the glowing screen.
A few seconds later, though, he gave out a squawk loud enough to bring Karl's head poking out through the kitchen door. "What?"
"Elijah?! This woman has me snogging Elijah?! Holy crap, Karl! I thought you and the Elf kid was bad, but compared to that Elijah's like my grandson or something! Where the hell do these women get these ideas??"
Karl rolled his eyes and leaned against the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest. "From what they say in comments, I gather any two guys they think are 'hot' are fair game to be put together."
"Well, maybe, but shit! Elijah?!" Yeah, the kid was cute enough and he had unreal eyes, but the thought of snogging him had Harry feeling really weird. Harry, along with the rest of the cast and crew of Rings, knew that eyes or no, their Frodo was nowhere near the innocent he could seem. He had a mouth like a septic tank and was a major party animal when he could get away with it, but still....
"It's just a story, Harry." Karl sounded impatient. "Either read it or don't. I'm gonna finish getting the ribs in and then come kick your arse, so figure out what you want to do and do it. I'll be back in a few."
"All right, all right! Sorry for taking a depiction of My Own Sex Life seriously! Sheesh!"
Harry finished reading the story; he couldn't quite make himself close the file, or even just get up and go set up his laptop for the game, but it was still weird. When he finished he checked the writer's name and thought about sending KayTownsley18 an e-mail. He decided not to, though. He really didn't want to spoil the fans' fun, after all. And besides, there was a part of him that was curious to see what she'd come up with next.
This time it was two weeks before Ms. Townsley posted another story. Harry'd brought pork rinds that week and was dumping them into a bowl when Karl told him he'd left his computer open to the right page. He left Harry to read while he went to finish a pizza and get it in the oven. When Harry teased him about getting all domestic he just said he needed something to do while Harry did his literary wanking. Harry yelled back a threat about how many times Karl was going to be killed that night, but left it at that while he got into his personalized smut.
When Karl got back about half an hour later with pizza and paper plates, Harry said, "At least Viggo's in the right generation but I can't really see shagging him. He's a good bloke but he'd probably stop in mid-stroke to say a poem about the way the shadows go over your shoulderblades or something like that and then you'd have to kill him and blood is supposed to be a right bother to get out of the sheets."
Karl grinned and said, "Well, you could always be the one on top, you know? That way he could say all the poems he wanted and it wouldn't interrupt the goings-on."
"Sure, that's a thought," Harry agreed with a thoughtful nod. "Think I should write to Ms. Townsley and suggest that for the sequel?"
"Do you really want a fan who writes porn about you to have your e-mail address?" Karl asked with a "Dumbshit!" look on his face.
"Hey, just trying to be helpful, support the fans who support us and all that." Harry winked at Karl. "I guess you're right, though. Just have to see what she comes up with on her own. She ought to think about this stuff, though. Writers have responsibilities."
Karl just eyerolled and shoved Harry's plate across the table at him. "Come on, let's play."
A week later, Karl was set up and ready to play when Harry arrived. "Nothing new this week," he said with a mock-sorrowful grin. "You're going to have to to supply your own fantasies for your hand this time."
"You obviously didn't look very hard, then," Harry retorted with a grin of his own. "Looks like it just takes a bit of pump-priming to get things going." He dropped a bag of corn chips and the usual pair of six-packs, then pulled his laptop out of its case.
Karl looked startled for a moment, then his grin widened into a big smile. "Seriously? Good on you, then! What's it about?"
"Three guesses and the first two don't count." Harry got things plugged in and loaded, then brought up a page from the top of his bookmark list. "Here, I just e-mailed you the link."
"I'll take a look later if you want to get going," Karl offered, but Harry shook his head.
"No, I think you'll want to browse through this one. Go ahead, take your time. I'm in the middle of that spy story you sent me anyway -- the one where you're a big, bad assassin? I'll just go on with that one while you read."
Karl made a rude gesture in his direction while calling up his e-mail and clicking on the link. Harry waited, fiddling with his laptop but in actuality watching Karl and thinking, Three, two, one....
Right on cue, Karl made a noise that sounded sort of like "Erk!" and his head jerked up. His eyes were wide and he was blushing again -- that really was adorable and Harry decided to make a hobby out of getting him to blush more often -- then he said, "Us?! This woman wrote about us?"
Harry pulled a puppy-dog face and said, "What? Karl, I'm hurt! You're all fine shagging Bean and Daisy and the Elf boy but you're horrified at the thought of getting it on with my handsome self? And I thought we were friends!"
"We are! I don't-- I mean-- Harry!" Karl buried his face in his hand and moaned, looking like he wanted to crawl under the table.
"Never mind, I'll survive." Harry waved a careless hand in Karl's direction, still pretending to fiddle with his keyboard and watching Karl surreptitiously through his eyelashes. "I'm not going to run home and cry in my soup just because you don't think I'm sexy. I'm fine. You finish and then we'll play." He hadn't expected quite so much drama and was more than willing to enjoy it while it lasted.
"Of course you're sexy!" Karl threw a corn chip at him but hadn't stopped blushing yet. He ducked down and kept reading, but Harry heard him mutter, "Bastard," from behind his screen.
Harry just grinned and went on reading about Karl the Assassin, keeping half an ear open for responses from the other end of the table. Karl was trying to be cool about it but every minute or two Harry could hear him suck in a breath and once he heard a tiny little ghost of a whimper. His smile widened and he kept reading.
"Wait a minute!" Karl's head popped out from behind his monitor and he glared across at Harry. "How does this woman know--" He cut himself off and sank back into his chair, but not before Harry spotted that cute blush again. "I mean, it's not like it's common or anything and she specifically says it's something I like and it's damn creepy, like she's been...." He trailed off because what he was clearly about to say was just too weird.
"You mean the knee thing?" Harry asked, his voice light and innocent. He might be more of a director but he'd done his share of acting and could put on a face when he had to. "I don't know. Good guess?"
"That's--" Karl stood up again and glared, this time beaming suspicion across at Harry. "Wait, that's right, you knew about it 'cause I told you about that time with Dougie. What, is this woman a friend of yours? Have you been telling her things about me?!"
Harry felt a pulse of anger but suppressed it, most of it anyway. "Do you really think I'd do that? Blab something like that to some strange woman? Or even someone I knew?"
"No, but...." Karl trailed off, his mouth twisted with mixed anger and confusion. "I don't. I didn't. But then how did she know? It's not like I've blabbed it around and she didn't write it like something she just made up -- she specifically says that I really like it. I mean, all right, she might have just made it up but it's damned weird."
Harry slid out of his chair and moved around the table. He leaned in behind Karl with his hands on his shoulders and looked down at the text on the monitor. "Maybe you told her yourself," he said quietly.
Karl looked over his shoulder at Harry as though he thought he was crazy, his mouth open to say something, but then he just stopped and stared. Karl wasn't stupid and Harry saw the moment he got it.
"Harry?" He looked back down at the glowing text, then back up at Harry again. "Harry." He laughed and stood and turned and punched Harry in the shoulder, hard enough to make him take a step back. "You wrote that, you perv!"
"I'll have you know it's not at all pervy," Harry said with mock indignation. "It's perfectly good sex. I'll cop to dirty but not pervy."
Karl laughed and said, "You don't think writing about sex with your best friend is at least a little pervy?" He stepped up close to Harry, not quite pinning him to the wall but definitely looming. There was a twinkle in his dark eyes and Harry grinned back.
"Hell, no," he said. "I'm sexy, you're sexy -- what's not to like?"
"Mmmm. Do you really think I'm sexy, then?" He drew a teasing finger across Harry's forehead and down his cheek. Warm tingles followed it.
Harry reached up and snagged that hand, then turned and sucked the finger into his mouth. He drew on it hard while pulling slowly off, his eyes locked with Karl's the whole time. Satisfaction relaxed the tension that'd been left in his shoulders. He hadn't been quite sure before but now he was -- Karl's dark eyes went even blacker and he swayed forward, his lips parting. Harry pulled off with an obscene pop. "You'll do," he said.
That made Harry grin, he couldn't help it. "I think we can work up to that, sure," he said, and then he reached up and cupped the back of Karl's head in his hand and tugged him down for a kiss.
Karl made a cute little "Eeep!" sort of noise into Harry's mouth and then sank into the kiss, his hands roaming up and across Harry's back. They made their awkward, stumbling way out around the table and down the hall to Karl's bedroom, neither one wanting to let go or even break the kiss while they moved and it was like a weird version of a three-legged race with four legs but no eyes and only half a brain between them and with a lot of scraped shoulders and bruised hips and the big, framed poster from Price of Milk that'd been hanging near the corner was going to need a new glass and probably a new frame.
They started shedding shirts and shoes as they passed through the bedroom door, laughing and tugging and fumbling with buttons. They flopped down onto the rumpled king-size bed with an Oof! and a tangle of limbs. Harry's trousers went flying toward the window a moment later and he turned around and attacked Karl's khaki shorts while Karl grabbed for his socks.
By the time they were both naked (well, mostly -- Harry still had one sock on) they were panting and snickering.
"Any idea why we haven't done this before?" Harry asked over his shoulder. He was on his knees facing Karl's splayed feet. A half-hard cock was conveniently nearby so he gave it a light bat with one hand and watched it flop over in the other direction.
Karl yelped and smacked Harry in the arse. "Cut it!" he complained. "If I wanted that sort of thing I'd get a bloody cat!"
Harry grinned and said, "Miaow!" then gave it a quick lick.
"Ahh! All right, then, that's more like it...." Karl shifted around in the lumpy sheets and messily piled doona and squirmed until he seemed comfortable, then said, "Well, no need to stop."
"Selfish brat," Harry muttered. Karl's cock got another smack, a little harder this time, before Harry leaned down and sucked on the emerging head, then slowly downed the whole thing.
Karl started to protest the smack but shifted in mid-whine to a long, low moan. His hips thrust up toward Harry's mouth and Harry gave a snort of satisfaction. That shut him up, then.
Harry felt a big hand clamp around his knee and pull, then tug, then yank. He shifted carefully, rotating around the hardened cock in his mouth until his own was with Karl's reach. That big hand stroked him a few times, then was joined by another that cupped and rolled his balls. Harry hummed his satisfaction and felt Karl jerk in his mouth. He hummed again, longer and deeper, just for the pleasure of hearing and feeling Karl come unwound.
He heard Karl suck in a gasp of air, then a hot, wet mouth closed over Harry's dangling cock and he nearly choked on Karl's. It took a lot of concentration to keep up with what he was doing because every instinct told him to just relax and feel what was happening between his own legs and whatever he was doing between someone else's could wait. That wasn't polite, though, so he kept going, running his tongue up and down the swollen shaft filling his mouth while restraining his hips to tiny jerking thrusts.
The hot, wet sucking left his cock and he snarled out a long whine of protest. Then one of his balls was surrounded by heat and pressure and a hand stroked his cock and all was right with the world again. More than right. Definitely wonderful. There were fireworks going off behind Harry's eyes and he could feel his blood fizzing in his veins and most of it was rushing south, eager to get in on the action.
A hand -- one of those big, strong hands -- clamped around his arse and pulled his hips down until he was afraid he was about to smother Karl but the guy seemed to be managing just fine and what he was doing felt like Heaven on crack so he just flowed with it.
They both went at it like it was a contest or something and when Harry felt like everything was about to boil over he squeezed hard on Karl's hip a few times, hoping that was warning enough 'cause he didn't think Karl wanted Harry's mouth doing anything besides what it was currently occupied with. Karl made a loud noise of agreement that vibrated down Harry's shaft and straight to his balls and that was enough. He shot down Karl's throat and let out a noise he hoped Karl could interpret as intense satisfaction because he didn't think he could form actual words for a while.
When Harry's brain was mostly revived, he renewed his efforts on Karl's cock while sliding his hands down his thighs. He tickled the backs of both knees at once and that was it -- his mouth was flooded and he had to swallow hard to keep from choking. He shifted forward just a bit and collapsed onto Karl with an "Oof!" He rested his cheek on one sparsely furred thigh and closed his eyes.
"Shift over -- you weigh a ton," Karl complained.
Harry felt a sharp bite on one leg and shot up off his mate's (lover's?) body. He twisted around with much griping and complaining until his head was facing the foot of the bed next to Karl's. He grabbed a pillow on his way and smacked Karl in the face with it before settling down with it under his head.
"Bastard. Would it've killed you to grab the other one for me?"
"You're the one who's biting. Get it your own damn self."
Karl sniffed and when Harry twisted his neck to look over the guy was basically pouting. It was cute and Harry grinned.
"I suppose you'll put this in your next story, then?" Karl grouched.
"Nah," Harry said with a casual shrug. "You can have it for yours if you want."
Karl's eyes shot open. "How'd you--? I mean.... Damn."
Harry rolled his eyes. "Of course I knew, Karl. You can't use a semicolon to save your life, and neither can 'Kay Townsley.' And you never could remember which year Chevy I wanted when I was a kid."
Karl relaxed back onto the bed with a muttered, "Dammit."
"I appreciated it," Harry said. He shifted up on one elbow and looked down at his friend. "I did, really. That was a really nice thing you did. And who knows, some real fan might actually pick up on the sexiness that is me and write some more stuff."
Karl blushed again and Harry grinned. He leaned over and planted a smacking kiss on Karl's lips, just because.
Karl tried hard to keep from grinning back and mostly failed. "Sneaky fucker," he grumped.
"I'll cop to sneaky," Harry said with a shrug. "We can work on the 'fucker' part next time."
Karl yanked the pillow right out from under him and smacked him in the face with it.